Archive for April, 2012

Hey guys.

Last saturday was Prom. It was interesting, though, the entire day, my mom was asking me why I wasn’t going with a date. It was kind of irritating, but at the same time, heart breaking. Because the one I wanted to go with is a girl, and I don’t think that’d go over very well. The Prom itself was weird though. The only thing that anybody actually did was grind or make out…. well, most people did anyway. My group danced on the side or in the back…. that or sat out cause the music was crap.

Anyway, today’s the day. When I get home, I’m coming out to my parents. Though, I’ve decided to not use the letter and just tell them. I’ve been feeling more confident about it lately, so I don’t think I have to worry about breaking down. And I actually have a place to stay if worse comes to worst, thank God for supportive cousins.

Anyway, wish me luck.

Alex

I’ve decided on a day to sit them down and tell them. Monday after Prom (next monday), right when I get home. But, since I’m too emotional for my voice to be of any good, I wrote a letter (which I might post later). In the letter, I basically just tell them what I am, how long this has been going on, and why I’m deciding to tell them now.

I don’t like lying to them, and I don’t like that I have been for my entire life.

I’m scared to tell them, but I know it’s got to happen sooner or later, and I’d rather it be sooner so that I can get on with the rest of my life.

Since some of the stories I’ve written are LGBT related, I haven’t been able to have my mom read them like I would normally have her do. I want my relationship with my mom to be back to where it used to be. Where she knew everything about me and I could talk to her about anything.

……(contemplating while rereading this)……

I’ll consider myself lucky if their first reactions to sitting them down aren’t “Are you pregnant?” (shudder)

I’m sorry about this guys, but I really need to vent to someone other than a notebook…..

 

I am so tired of being blamed for shit that I didn’t do. No one believes a single thing I say anymore, and I suppose it’s partly my fault. But they could at least give me the benefit of the doubt. I’m also tired of people trying to make me feel guilty all the damn time. My grades suck and I know that, you don’t need to bring it up every time you see me! I’m your kid, you’re supposed to be a little more understanding and encouraging, not making me feel more guilty about lying to you than I already do. I tell the truth most of the time. I don’t know, sometimes I can’t even tell whether the words coming out of my mouth are the truth or not either.

I started binding, but everyday, it seems more and more like it’s not working. More and more like all of this is never going to work. I wish I could just be out. Not have to worry about what I tell to whom and who sees what, to just be me…. the real me. Not this straight girl that everybody seems to see. I’m not those things and I’ll never be those things. Just me.

Mom started yelling at me again today. I seriously wish that I could just tell her and not be worried about her reaction. For some reason, I care what she thinks….. for some reason, I care about what a lot of people think, even more than I let on. Recently, I’ve been thinking about just telling her, and everyone, about me, about what I am. But now, now I’m just scared to. I don’t want to be this cowardly little priss. I want to have more courage, but you’ve gotta have some courage to start building it up and I just don’t have it. It’s bad enough that I can’t keep a conversation going, but starting one? That’s probably asking too much. Too much of myself and my self-esteem. Too much of my parents to accept me for me. Even though they promised they always would, I have a feeling that it’s not exactly unconditional. Everything has conditions. Especially parents.

We’re talking about relationships in health class. Actual love relationships. And I realized, I’ve never actually thought about being in a relationship like that. I kind of always had this feeling that I’d be terrible at it. I honestly don’t think anybody could be able to put up with my lazy ass. And really, who could put up with my real personality. I’m already hiding it from everyone now and that’s hard enough. But hiding that, from someone you claim to love, that’s too much. As it is, not even those that know about my gender and sexulity know the REAL me. No ones ever met that me. I’m afraid that, if I ever show that me, they’ll all hate me. As it is, I repel myself, but where am I gonna go? I’m stuck with me.

I just need someone I know I can trust. Someone I can’t hurt by saying “I don’t care.” Someone I won’t feel guilty about saying that to. If I could go the rest of my life without feeling ANY of this guilt again, I’d gladly take it.

It was all so simple when I was younger. I never worried about the effects of what I said. The little guilt I felt was childish and would be gone as soon as something else was said. I felt I could truly love someone. But now, I know I’m too shallow to care about someone else as much as I care about protecting myself.

I hate the way I think. My mind hasn’t left the gutter since I was 8. Why did everything that affected my life like this have to happen then? Right after I was baptised. Wasn’t I supposed to be protected from feeling this way? Yeah, right. Protected. By what? A God that has never answered my prayers? A God I have believed in unconditionally for my entire life? A God who, obviously, doesn’t care?

I wake up early everyday, just to feel more angry with myself for lying to myself and everyone else for my whole life. Everyone who thought I was so spiritual. I’ve lied to everyone that I’ve ever met.

I think I’m going to tell them, soon. Maybe even before graduation, since I don’t think I’ll be joining everyone else on stage during the ceremony. I’m gonna end up like the rest of my religious family. Never graduating on time, stuck in a job that I hate, and lying to myself and to everyone else for the rest of my life.

Maybe I do need help. I’ll never accept any though. I never do. But, in this situation, I suppose it’s the smartest thing to do, huh? Anyway, at this point I’ll be surprised if ANYTHING goes according to my plans. I just want really desperately to be myself around my family and for people who know to actually use my preferred pronouns. Everytime I’m around anyone that knows, all I hear is “she”, “her”, “girl”, “pretty”; why do I scarcely hear what I so desperately, desperately want to hear? Prom only makes things worse. Of course I want to go in a dress, but with my family, it’s like, “Well yeah, what else would you wear?” I don’t know, maybe a tux like other guys would wear? Maybe if I’d been born as a boy, the only “problem” in my parents eyes would be that I’m bi, I like designing girls clothes, and I like eyeliner and nail polish.

I’m amazed the only thing they’ve really questioned so far is my sexuality, considering I’ve wanted to be a boy since before I can remember. Maybe that’s why they haven’t noticed. Maybe they think my being a “tomboy” is just a phase and I’ll grow out of it. What phase lasts for 18 years? They’ve said that about a lot of other things too. My interests, my crushes….. One of which I’ve had since I can remember.

I’m sure some people that know are hoping that it’s just some “mistake” I’ve made. That I’m “too pretty to dress like a boy.” ‘Like a boy’? I’ve told so many of my friends this is just who I am. I’m no different than I was. “I AM a boy!” Why can’t anyone see that? I know the way they all treat me. Some have started to keep their distance from me, barely talking to me anymore. Others treat me as if I still identified as a girl. I wish I could look more like I feel. Not have to bind to appear flat chested or put on makeup to make my face “look” more masculine.

WHY CAN’T I BE ME?

Again, sorry. I’ve been kind of irritable around my family lately.
Later,
         Alex

As You Like It  is my small business that I’m in the process of setting up. Mostly, we focus on LGBTQ stuff. Right now, all we really have is pride gear type stuff like bracelets and hats and buttons, etc.

Nothing is really ready yet, so this is just more of early advertisment.

In the future, I’ll post pictures of products….. maybe.

If you have requests for something, just message me.

Hey Everybody. Like the title says, I’ve started binding. I started on Day of Silence cause by then I’d gotten the right kind of Ace bandage to use.

Though, before I get to that, the day before DoS was my school’s 8th grade open house, and so, since I’m in multiple groups (Theater, GLBT, Anime, Archery), I stayed at school to run the Theater booth. Me, my cousin, and one of our friends dressed up as pirates and the best part is…. I managed to pass as a boy. This is with REALLY thick eyeliner on and absolutely no binding. My cousin pointed out to me that girls kept looking at me. It was kind of a cool experience.

Anyway… Back to the topic at hand.

Most people say to not use Ace bandages, but, if you get the 6in wide ones, you can actually breath (for the most part). Some of the only discomfort I noticed was my sternum….. and the fact that I had to pull the bandages back up about every 10 minutes…. and that I couldn’t run up the stairs like I normally do without collapsing at the top (or half way up). But it’s all worth it if I can pass! If only it weren’t for the fact that my classmates that I haven’t got around to telling yet keep blowing my cover in front of subs.

I’ve gotta say, it did a better job at hiding my chest than anything else I’ve tried so far. The only problem is the lower part of my chest…. it doesn’t hide so well, and adjusting isn’t easy when, every time I do, it messes with the wrapping. And every time I fix the wrapping, it undoes my adjustments. I can wait until I get a job so I can get a proper binder.

Aside from trying my best to pass for being a guy, my little brothers birthday is today….. he’s turning 11 and it’s making me feel a little sad. Sad for myself mostly, because I never got to have any birthdays where I got to be myself. The closest thing I’ve ever had was my most recent one, and my ex-boyfriend came to that one, further reminding me of a the confusion bound to follow my coming out.

I kind of feel like I missed out on a lot of stuff that should have been really important.

I don’t know, I just feel like I’m rambling a lot. Not much sleep last night. I spent most of the day yesterday getting caught up on Homestuck, and let’s just say, “getting caught up” meant reading from 10 am to 11 pm…… I wasted that much of my brain power on a ridiculous web comic when I could have been getting work done (not bashing Homestuck by the way)……

Well, anyway, till next time.

Alex

Question for those of you that bind like I do (or know of cheap ways to do it without hurting yourself)…. can you give me some tips on how to bind more efficiently?

 

I’ll try to post some better pictures.

Hey all!

Tomorrow’s Day of Silence, so I’m not going to post tomorrow.

Tomorrow, I’m going to be silent all day (mostly), and it’s so that people who are like me, who aren’t out at home, know that it’ll be better some day.

I’m still one of those who’s still not sure about how to come out to their parents. I know when I’m going to come out, but the how is still iffy.

Steering away from the gloomy (though not entirely), I’m going to Prom. In a dress, though, because I want the dress. This is were I know that I’m not 100% anything, because there are times were I feel more like a girl than a boy (rarely).

Anyway, like I said, one day until Day of Silence.

Later, Alex.

My gender came up a lot yesterday. So I ended up thinking about what I want to do in concerns to my body. And I decided, as soon as I’ve saved up the money, I’m getting my breasts removed and starting on T.

I’m tired of only being seen as a girl. As it is, my dysphoria has gotten to the point that I’m going to the nurses office to use the bathroom (none of the other unisex bathrooms are open to students) and I don’t want to go into the girls locker room. I used to be fine with having to use those rooms, but now….. it’s different.

Today and tomorrow, I don’t have to go to classes until 12, so I might get a video done, but probably not.

I’ll probably add more by tonight.

~Alex

PS…. 3 days til Day of Silence