I feel weird. I’ll be turning 18 in 4 days and I┬áhave really mixed feelings about growing up. I want to, I mean I REALLY want to, but my mom was right about something, I am naive (not about my gender though). I have no idea about how I’m going to do this, but then again I guess a lot of people in my situation feel the same thing every once in a while.

Aside from that, I have no idea of what I want for my birthday. My grandparents called and asked me what I wanted. I would have told them guys clothes cause I am lacking in my more masculine attire, except my grandparents don’t know I’m trans.

Anyway, summer school is “fun” (SUPER-sarcasm there). I have to take geography, health, and gym, and I still have to take one more class during the fall semester.

Anyway, hope everybody has a good summer.

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One thing straight

Posted: June 27, 2012 in My Queer Life
Tags: , ,

I just want to make sure that I’m not just dissing my parents. I love my parents and I know they love me too. They just have certain standards that they’ve had for me my whole life and they have old ways of seeing things.

Aside from my calming down process that I decided to take, I’ve got kittens!!! Well…. a kitten, the other one is my sister’s. They are so cute, but they’re the noisiest things ever. Especially at night when I’m trying to sleep. An who’s room do you think they sleep in?

(After a couple minutes of searching) I still can’t find them so I’ll post pictures later.

Hi all. I made it after all. I am a high school graduate…. almost. I still have to go to summer school, but I still got to walk across the stage. Aside from my having to go to school during the summer in my schools freezing cold building, my summer life has been pretty pleasant. Even at home. I had to go to a wedding the other day in a dress, but my mom let me wear pants to the reception afterwards. That and I got to hang out with my cousin who’s also bi. We got to talk and dance.

Other than that, I off to Missouri for a couple of days to see some more cousins who I haven’t seen since I was 11. That seems like too long ago. I’m going with my oldest younger sister and my grandparents (who I still haven’t told). I have a feeling that it’s going to be awkward.

Till next time and hope you all have a great summer!

Some how, I forgot to sign out of WordPress on the computer my family shares and my parents found it. Let’s just say that that went over like a lead balloon. They read a couple of them I guess and now I feel really crappy. They were never supposed to read this. It’s like a journal in a way. Parents aren’t supposed to end up knowing what’s written in their kids journals because most of the time it’s for blowing off steam. I don’t want them to feel like I hate them, but all trust is gone now.

Three more days of school. The sucky part is, I don’t think I’m going to be able to graduate. Which is really stupid. I have 71 credits when I only need 66 to graduate. It’s ridiculous when they make certain classes mandatory.

My parents found out that I bind. And who’s the one who says I can’t? My Mom? Actually, no. My dad is the one that freaks out this time and tells me I can’t wear my binder (my home made one) anymore. I didn’t listen to him of course, so when I wore it to school like I always do, he took it away. I am REALLY peeved. I just got it to a point where it worked well too.

At least they don’t know about the bandages I have in my locker at school. Though, I’m tired of only getting to bind at school again.

Anyway, next week is my last week left of being a high schooler! YAY!!

-Alex

Well, it’s gotten better…..-ish?

Though, honestly, I think I would have preferred the silence on the matter to continue.

Since I came out, my mom has threatened to burn all my flannel shirts, all my baggy pants, and all my baseball hats. She won’t let me wear my hats anymore. She’s also taken it to a point where she’s criticizing my fashion. She says no one’s going to take me seriously. I told her it’s because I don’t have the resources I need to dress nice. This is the honest to God truth too. She comes back at me saying that I’m full of shit, that my grandma has tons of material (none of which is what I’m looking for) and so does she. It makes me just want to say, “Well mom, I’m trying to save money for the rest of the family, cause you’re poor as fuck and I’m poorer than fuck.” But I know that swearing at my mom’ll probably get me nowhere….. maybe less than nowhere… maybe a black eye.

Sorry, being a pessimist. Just wish my mom was, at least, a little more understanding.

To make up for my far than less ideal home life, school life has gotten better. Not that it was terrible to begin with. My cousins doing something that he won’t tell me what it is. I have to say, it makes me nervous. Though, he’s probably not telling me so that I have no responsibility for whatever happens. More of my teachers are actually using the right pronouns. Soon it’ll be to a point where the subs actually use the right pronouns (not gonna hold my breath though).

Well, that about sums up what’s happened so far. Till next time….

Well, apparently, everything has a downside.

When I went home yesterday, the talk my parents wanted to have with me was more of a “You are a girl, you are straight, why are you being so selfish” kind of talk. They spent three hours doing this. They threw out words like “abomination” and “stupid”. They’re convinced they know me better than I know myself.

My parents killed what ever amount of girl was left in me, so now I’m transgender.

I told them about how it all made me feel, about how it made me feel suicidal and about how I used to cut myself. I had felt really good yesterday until they started trying to convince me I was wrong. After that talk, I seriously thought about finding my safety pins again. They’re going to send me to therapy, for the depression, and for the “gender confusion” I’m going through. They said that my being bisexual and transgender was just me being full of shit, and that my cutting myself was cowardly when all it was was me trying to relieve some of the pressure I was feeling.

They also said that, if I tried to leave before I turn 18, they’ll call the cops and send me to juvi (they also said that if I didn’t listen to them they’d send me to juvi as well). I can’t even go to either of my cousins houses because my parents are sure I’m the way I am because of the people I hang out with and not because of how I feel. They said that it’s the devils influence on me. They also said I don’t know what it means to be this way. What would they know about how it feels to be in the wrong body?

At least I have friends to go to school with. Friends who love, support, and care for me. My cousin this morning took me away from the table and upstairs to ask me what was wrong. My friends have been making me feel a lot better, considering that this morning I was sobbing.

I can’t wait till I turn 18. Then I can leave and just be myself.

Anyway, hoping it gets better,

Alex